Happy Birthday Paul! You would almost be in your MID-Thirties…wow
A few weeks ago I was chatting with my mom about birthdays…I was telling her that I feel like Owen’s birthday is my birthday too…like I have a reason to celebrate the day of his birth along side him. And Mom totally agreed with me…the day of your child’s birth is YES a day to celebrate them BUT it’s a lovely day for the Mom as well. To reminisce about the day that you became a mother…how life changes so amazingly…its just a pleasant day for the birthday person and their mommy!!
So today I know my mom’s heart aches!! I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again…I know she loves me…I would NEVER doubt that…but I NOW understand the love she had for my brother. Her first born…the little person that helped her get through some very rough times in her life as a young adult (being left in America ALONE, with no job, never driving a car before, no nothing, while dad was on a tour in Turkey with the Air Force for 18 months! YES she was alone with Paul for a year and a half!! Crazy!) Mom and Paul had a special bond…one that I can greatly appreciate since I feel the same way about Owen. He was my little rock while I was going through chemo. He was my bestie…here all day with me…yes he was only 4-9 months old BUT he made life worth living…even on those days after treatment when my “chemo hangover” was killing me. So I can only try to comprehend the feeling that mom has about Paul being gone. (Click here to read about my brother’s passing).
When Paul passed away 12 years ago many people would say what they could to try to comfort me…I remember people saying it gets easier over time and me so badly just wanting the hurt to go away and the clock to fast forward so my heart didn’t ache anymore….but that was all lies. I’ve actually come to think that the hurting gets worse…with every new event that my brother misses it makes me that much sadder, I’ve just matured and learned to live with it. When he passed away, high school was the same ol’ sh*t…girl drama, nothing exciting. But as I’ve grown I’ve missed him so much more with each passing day…at my high school and college graduation, to see him walking my mother up the aisle at my wedding, celebrating with Mom and I after each of us kicked cancers a$$, dad’s promotions at work, the birth of his nephew…all of it. I want him here…I want him to be with us…to be with me! Sometimes I see people with siblings…the relationship they have and I’m oh so envious! When you are born an only child you might not know what you are missing…but I wasn’t born solo…I had what was suppose to be a life-long friend…who was taken from us way to young.
October 1984…driving from DC to Cali so Dad could join the Sheriffs Dept in November.
I think about last weekend…me getting to celebrate my 30th…he never got that! I wish he could have gotten to experience so much more than God allowed him to! Paul would have been 33 years old…would he have been married? Kids?? What would he have named his babies? What career path would he have taken? What city would he be living in? Would you be balding or have gray hairs??? So many “I wonder” questions…with answers we’ll never get. So today is just another day…without Paul…and it sucks. I was given a great idea from a friend who has lost their father…on special days (birthdays and anniversaries) she eats her dads favorite food…so today…I’m going to eat a Mexican Pizza from Taco Bell…Paul’s all time fav!
And Mom said it right…Paul, I hope your party is ROCKIN’ up there today…please continue to watch over us as you wait at those gates for us!! Until we meet again…
Thank you for this Erin. I have always appreciated and cherished the relationship Nicole and I have but as I was reading this, I put myself in your shoes and it made me cry. I cried for you and what you should have had and I cried for the thought of what I would miss out on if I lost my sister. I hope you can find comfort in your Mexican pizza today and some good memories of Paul. <3
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