Her Heart

So remember back at this doctors appointment…when I mentioned the doctor detecting a heart murmur on Ella??…well since then our girl has seen a pediatric cardiologist AND had an echocardiogram.

The pediatric cardiologist appointment was very brief but we learned quite a bit:
a) Only 1% of children have heart defects (and OF COURSE my child would be part of the 1%…GEEZUS!)
b) And of that 1% most of them have THIS particular defect called a ventricular septal defect (VSD)
c) From JUST listening to our sweet girl this doctor could tell that it was most likely VSD, which is a birth defect of the heart in which there is a hole in the wall (septum) that separates the two lower chambers (ventricles) of the heart. Read more about this here.
d) the doc didn’t seem overly concerned….he said most of the time these holes close on their own, and if it doesn’t, that’s ok too! (deep exhale!)
e) Ella has an increased risk of having a child of her own with this heart defect.
f) This wasn’t something that I did, or that Yosh did…(yes I was blaming myself and the doctor knew what to say to ease my worry)

He drew us this picture on the paper on the examining table (I really love when doctors draw for you…makes me feel like they really are about you understanding whats going on!)

Can you make out the drawing??? It was easy to understand when in there with him!! haha

So the doc said he was sending little Ella for an echocardiogram to confirm his belief that it was a VSD heart defect. I was a tad nervous not knowing what to expect for this appt. I brought Ella by myself, Daddy had swim practice and Nana stayed home with Owen. I swear though…Kaiser’s basement makes me anxious. The smell still brings back memories…makes me sick actually…reminding me of all the times I made the trip down there for chemo (BLAH!). Thankfully we didn’t have to pass the oncology department, but the cardiology department was just down the hall. The smell and my anxiety just made waiting for Ella’s name to be called that much more nerve-wracking. And there is NO cell service in the basement at Kaiser…so I didn’t have my phone to keep me occupied…I just had CNN on the tv…torture huh!?! haha.

But the ECHO went VERY smoothly. She slept through most of it…making me laugh just HOW comfortable she was getting…fartin’ away like the little queen that she is!

I will say though…watching her get this 35 minute ultrasound made me think about when Owen had an ultrasound for his pyloric stenosis at 5 weeks old…My little babies are so much alike…great little patients!!

Well today I got the call from the cardiologist that yes Ella does in fact have VSD…a small hole in her heart that could close on its own.  We will be following up with him when Ella is 2 months, but for now we won’t worry about it too much, keep our eye on her and pray that it closes without difficulty!!

Screamin’

Oh man…this whole fussy/colicky thing is going to be the end of me.

I was absolutely blessed when we had Owen…I remember ONE night of him crying…like REALLY crying, when he was a baby! I always joke and say to our friends that God granted us with an easy baby since he gave me cancer…it was like a trade off. haha He couldn’t give me cancer AND a tough baby…heck no!  It was always said half-heartedly …thinking that maybe we were just lucky!  Its one thing that I pray about when I’m pregnant…yes I pray that the baby is healthy, etc. etc. but I also pray for a non-fussy, NO Colic child because my anxiety would NOT handle it well. So I guess God is telling me something…a)my anxiety CAN handle crying and b) since Miss Ella IS a fussy little thing that HAS to mean I’m definitely going to be cancer free at my 3 year Oncology appt in a few weeks! Right?!? HAHA

Surprisingly enough I’m handling the hours and hours of screaming fairly well. On her 3 week birthday (exactly!) is when the screaming started 6pm-9:30pm…I actually came VERY close to bringing her to the Emergency Room. She never cries. She was acting starving, trying to eat my face, but when I put the boob in her mouth she’d SCREAM! …yes for 3 hours. I put it on facebook and the responses are so positive and awesome. THAT is way I love facebook..its like the support group that everyone needs (I guess IF you have the right friends!).  My friend Jen’s response was so comforting: “I can just picture your household...feed, change diaper, shushing and walking and pacing and walking and pacing and shushing and then handing her off to hubby then taking her back and over and over and over!! Hang in there!! I'll keep my fingers crossed that it was just a bad night :) my 3rd had colic..terrible, helpless feeling!” I swear it was like Jen was IN my house that night!! I knew then that I’m not crazy for all the shushing and walking, changing positions, etc. So for the past 5 days we have had bouts of screaming…none that lasted the 3.5 hours like the first night BUT they are there. I’ve invested in gas drops, cutting diary out of my diet, and hoping that this “phase” doesn’t last long.

Tonight I had to ride the screamfest out alone…Yosh had a CIF meeting for polo…so it was me, Owen and Her Ladyship! Got Owen in the bath while she was snoozing…and BAM…her eyes fly open and the screaming starts. So I had to hustle…between trying to comfort her, get Owen bathed, lotioned, teeth brushed, pajamed, and ready for bed we did it…only took 2.5 hours! As Owen watched cartoons in my room and entertained himself (past his bedtime) while I did everything to try and get Ella to calm down and fall asleep, I had tears in my eyes…like HOW to single Mom’s do this night after night? I felt so helpless for Ella and bad for Owen (who didn’t seem to even hear her screaming…he’s a typical little man with a case of selective hearing!) I know this is temporary, but dear Lord this is NOT fun! I’m trying NOT to complain…especially since I KNOW there are women out there that would give ANYTHING to have a baby…fussy or not…but just trying to vent a little stress before heading to bed myself.

So now I’ll go to bed…to refresh, revamp, re-energize to prepare myself as I wait for the next screaming session to start (hopefully NOT at 3am like last Friday night! haha)

This is temporary, This is temporary, This is temporary, This is temporary, This is temporary!

Love

It was Valentines this week….and I kinda feel like a horrible mother…I didn’t get my child/children anything to celebrate! I was on fb seeing all the good mommies out there giving their kids their Valentines…and yep…I was a total FAIL this year. Thankfully Owen’s young and had NO clue and he actually enjoyed picking out a card and chocolates for Daddy! So he didn’t recognize that I’m a horrible parent this year…and hopefully won’t have to go to therapy about it later in life! haha j.k  But we hung out at home all day and ventured out for the first time as a family of four to dinner at Red Robin. Yes we braved going out on Valentines…and it went rather smoothly! She slept, we all ate…then home we went! haha

So my guilt subsided about being a crappy mom and not having gifts for Owen and Ella…when I realized that this week was the first time I have been alone at home with 2 children. And we all survived! haha. It was a lazy day in pj’s watching Jake and The Neverland Pirates over and over BUT we did get to test out our new double stroller for a short walk to the mail box. haha

I love having all the help with keeping Owen entertained and stuff since bring the baby home but I was finding myself missing our time together. I was the person who got him up and ready in the mornings, drove him to daycare, picked him up from daycare, did the bath/bed routine every night…and then Ella came along and Yosh got handed all those jobs. I had to give up control (which is totally easy for me…hahaha ::cough cough yeah right::) 
Poor Yosh…even if he wanted to be the one that did all of that stuff I usually wouldn’t let him…I am stingy with my Owen time!! And having to give it up to be able to nurse and care for the baby was difficult…a little more difficult than I thought it was going to be. Hearing Owen yell…”I want my Mom” during teeth brushing was heart breaking…but after a few days he’s over it. Used to having Daddy help out now!
Going from spending SO much time alone with him to always having someone else around was tough…on me! Not him…don’t think he cared but it was very nice to have a day just us…figuring out our new “normal” with Baby Sister around! It was a good day…and I needed it dearly!

We also braved our first “family day out”…and went to the Aquarium of the Pacific! Owen has been DIEING to show Daddy the Giant Spider Crab since we visited the aquarium almost a year ago…so we finally made the trip. Owen ran around the place dragging Daddy to EVERY fish window….pure excitement…it was adorable!

Owen was beyond excited! He LOVES sea creatures…and enjoyed his day so much! He kept thanking us and telling us he loved us so much! Most appreciative little person I’ve ever come across in my life…it melts my heart!

Speaking of MELTS my heart…here are a few pictures from this week that bring me some serious joy!

Hope everyone had a great Valentines week…whether you love or hate the meaning behind it I hope ya’ll found love somewhere!! I’m a lucky girl and have love over-flowing in many places right now…its pretty amazing!  Now to prep for this week…Ella has doctor check-ups and her echocardiogram…more on that later!

xoxo

2 weeks!

I can’t believe our little lady has been in our lives for 2 weeks now.  Man…to think of this day 2 weeks ago I have such a plethora of feelings.  It was 2 weeks, but feels like centuries ago, we were in the hospital room…alone while our chunky monkey baby was in the nicu. I still hadn’t gotten to hold her…and Yosh was being amazing with updates and walking up the nicu every time I got sad and thought she needed visitors with her. We sat there so sad…texting friends but declining any visitors other than Owen…too depressing to be there after birth without having your baby with you. I was counting down the minutes before they would let me get up and try and walk…determined to hold my little girl!! Now 2 weeks later I feel like she has always been a part of our family. She’s such an awesome little person…sleeps great, eats great and is as content as her big brother was as a baby!

But I will say, being a parent is so weird. The bond that a mom has with their child is something that I can’t put into words. Its amazing…like nature just takes over. I had reservations before Ella born…having fear that I wouldn’t be able to love another little being like I loved Owen…I just thought it was impossible! But once I saw her…once they showed her to me over the operating curtain it was immediate reaction of unconditional love…again!  These 2 weeks have flown by…and now I just couldn’t imagine our lives before her. She fits so perfectly!

Happy 2 week Birthday my little love…
We did a little pretend pre-valentines photo shoot today…she wasn’t having it though…too hungry to pose for her mom! lol

Wow look at it grow!

Our weekend has arrived and it feels good to have Daddy home and not working! Even though he can’t help as much as he’d like (if only men could lactate! haha)…its still nice! Its busy around here…and I’m trying to stay on top of teaching my online health class…trying is the key word! haha Every time I sit down to grade projects or check grades I just want to blog…about the happiness around here. Little Ella has brought a new bit of brightness to our days…ALL of us…even our Owen LOVES having a baby around the house.  So instead of grading I thought it was time to share this belly progression documented with photos I’ve been taking since the beginning!  Again…Thank you pinterest!

Welcome Home Ella…our first doctors appt!

Super Bowl Sunday landed on February 3rd…and it was the first full day of having our little girl home…such a crazy special day!
February 3rd, 2010, 3 whole years ago, other than celebrating my parents wedding anniversary AND my cousin Alan’s birthday…this was what I was doing…
Undergoing chemotherapy treatment #12…the last treatment and celebrating beating Hodgkins Lymphoma’s ASS!! That time in my life we were unsure if more babies were in our future. We hoped and prayed that chemo didn’t ruin my woman parts and we’d be blessed with another baby someday! Life was just uncertain…yes we were so happy to have our Owen but always wanted more children. So we waited…for 2 years to see if everything was still functioning…and guess what…

3 years later…to the day…here we are spending our day with our 4 day old daughter…yes we are truly blessed!! My woman parts still worked, thankfully it was SOMETHING that cancer didn’t take away from me!

But anyway we are home from the hospital now…getting to really KNOW our baby!! I think it’s the best yet hardest part of being a new mom! I found it was hard with Owen…I had all these emotions going through me and didn’t realize it until years later that I had some major anxiety! Not in the “I don’t love my baby” kinda way, but I didn’t want to leave my house, didn’t want any one other than me holding my baby, didn’t really want visitors over for fear they’d stay to long, but I didn’t like being alone for LONG periods of time either! I was a mess after Owen…and totally thought it wouldn’t happen this time around since I knew about it and had myself prepared….WRONG! haha  Even though we practically had no visitors at the hospital (bar our parents and 1 friend)…when we got home I thought everything was ok. Even ventured to a friends house for Super Bowl Sunday! Yes my closest friends were so proud of me…I only lasted about 2.5 hours of the game BUT that’s good for me. I thought my anxiety was under control this time around….UNTIL yesterday at the doctors office!

Ella had her first “Well Baby Check-Up”…so our family of four ventured out to Kaiser. Getting to kaiser Ontario I realized the place was a madhouse…and we had to wait in the regular pediatrics waiting room. (Kaiser Fontana you get sent to a special little Newborn only area). Here in Ontario there were other beasts…I mean children…in the waiting room. They started playing kinda rough…then it got louder and louder and kids were running, climbing, acting like little animals. I calmly told Owen that he needed to play with manners (aka w/o acting like a crazy child)….everytime the door opened I prayed the nurse was going to call us. I felt the room shrinking, the kids were getting louder and I was starting to sweat. I kept looking at my phone so the tears would stay away. I was seconds away from walking out of the place when they finally called for Ella Souza.

I walked into the examining room and just start balling crying. haha I had NO clue why…just overwhelmed! The nurse was so awesome just give me a little hug and said she sees this ALL THE TIME…hormones just settling down. So I sat and cried…Yosh held Ella while Owen chatted up the nurse for ages. He explained to the nurse all about his favorite shows, things from when he was a little baby, how he wanted to be a doctor when he grew up and even that I feed his baby sister with my BOOBS (Owen LOVEs saying BOOBS and thinks he just so funny! haha) The nurse was amazing, listened, asked him questions and made Owen feel so like THE MAN, even brought him to pick out 3 stickers! God Bless that woman!!!
So the appointment carried on…I eventually calmed down.  The nurse re-weighed our girl (whom left the hospital weighing about 8lbs 5oz), and I was happy that she gained some weight back at 8lbs 9oz…and for some reason today the nurse measured her at 21 inches long…I DON’T think she grew 2 inches in 5 days…so the nurses at the hospital must have measured her wrong.  Now I think…damn-it…for her announcements do we go with the original measurement from the hospital OR the amendment to her height??? haha Oh the dumb things I think about !

Doc came in and started her exam…she was a nice doctor that kept Ella covered with a blanket and didn’t make the poor child freeze her booty off in just a diaper.

I noticed she was listening to Ella’s heart for quite some time…she’d listen, do something else and always come back to listen again. Of course my child wanted to be fed, so she let me feed the baby, and even while feeding she came over to listen to her heart again. I had a feeling something was up…which there was. The doctor detected a heart murmur…and felt that she needed an EKG done as soon as possible. Since the EKG machine for babies is only at the Fontana Kaiser and we’d have to wait a few days until an appt was available.  She brought in the O2 machine to make sure Ella was getting full oxygen, which she was so she wasn’t too panicked.
So we have now been referred to a pediatric cardiologist for an EKG on Monday. I’m praying that its something VERY minor…I figure if it was something major the NICU would have detected it while she was there for 3 days?!?! The doctor did say she could have developed it SINCE being in the NICU…but we will wait and see. I’m trying not to stress or worry…I have heard of many people having heart murmurs and being fine. I just hope its something that she will grow out of and NOT need surgery! So our adventure continues…Ella wasn’t spared of the curse…something always freakin’ wrong!

Please continue to keep our little girl in your prayers! xoxo

Her Ladyship as arrived!!

Well…I’m a mother of 2 kids now…pretty crazy to comprehend!!  We welcomed our little lady a day earlier than we expected.

I woke up Wednesday, Jan 30th and noticed I was having some cramping and fresh blood when I went to the bathroom. I got up, Owen ready and brought him to Martha’s…while doing that I noticed that I was having contractions every 4-5 minutes! So I called the advice nurse who said I might wanna come in JUST IN CASE and Yosh at work and told him he might wanna get a sub. Yosh came home…we took our time getting ready, showered, dressed, make-up, cleaned out cars, took chalkboard pictures…

And to make a LONG story short…the doc at kaiser that it was best that we delivery baby right THEN because my contractions were getting closer together…so why wait! I couldn’t believe we were going to have our baby! I started feeling guilty..like we didn’t tell Owen or pretty much anyone other than MY mom that it was Baby Time.

Feeling a little rushed…but was probably a good thing…I didn’t have much time to freak out at all. While Yosh gowned and scrubbed up…I got my spinal block…which was NOT bad at all! Little uncomfortable but TOTALLY not bad. Everything was go time…

And 7 minutes after Yosh entered the Operating Room our Ella Bernadette was TUGGED out of my belly!

Ella Bernadette
8lbs 12oz
19 inches

Doctors exact words: “SHIT she was way bigger than I thought she was going to be!”

So I waited to hear a cry….hearing it a few times…I started thinking something was wrong. I kept asking Yosh if she was ok and with look of panic on his face he tried re-assuring me that everything was fine. Our little chubbo weighed in at 8lbs 12oz…she was the spitting image of her big brother, just a bit bigger!

Longest part of the csection was them putting me back together. During that time…the nurses tried getting Ella to breath on her own and get a good cry. But she seemed to be struggling. They called the NICU team in after 10 minutes and they figured out she had fluid in her lungs. Before they took her to the NICU the nurses explained to me that it was common in csection babies to have fluid in their lungs b/c they were squeezed through the birthing canal. So I started to worried. Recovery was horrible…I just cried and cried hoping she was ok! And when they wheeled me into the NICU to see her I wasn’t allowed to hold her, just barely touch her…

All the wires had me so alarmed…made me so sad. I didn’t get that skin to skin bonding, the immediate nursing…nothing. I just didn’t understand how such a big baby who looked so healthy wasn’t. Scary!

Our first family photo :(

So we got brought to my room…where I wasn’t allowed to see my precious little daughter for 12 hours. Owen came to visit me…and was so confused as to why he wasn’t allowed to meet his baby sister! I was sad for him…I just wanted our family together.  How depressing it was that long day in the hospital room.  But Baby Sister DID bring Owen a present…he got the dragon that goes to his castle…so he was very happy that she "knew” it was what he always  wanted! lol

Once I was allowed to be up and walking (which was at midnight) you know my ass was up! The pain of standing up was NOTHING since I had motivation to see my girl! Catheter bag on one side…IV on the other we trekked down to the NICU and I FINALLY got to hold and meet my little girl! …Oh yes…I cried…again! lol

I still wasn’t allowed to feed  her…they didn’t want to stress her body out, so my poor girl was on a nutrient IV, as well as antibiotics in case of any infection.  We were told that they did a blood culture and started a 48 hr antibiotic so she would be in the NICU until AT LEAST Friday. I was sad…but since I was up and walking I felt ok being able to at least see her.

As the days went on it became routine…every 3 hours I would pump and then finally I got to walk down there and nurse my baby! I was grateful that she was so healthy…I think one of the nurses said she was largest baby in the NICU to date (but its only been open for about a year or less). haha She was huge compared to all those other tiny babies! But as the days passed and the tubes started coming out…the IV’s were slowed, everything was coming together for our healthy little one!!

Daddy got to change the first diaper, feed her the first time and put clothes on her for the first time. He was proud of himself for being the first for all of that! He was so great always giving me updates on how she was doing that first 12 hours of her life!

Then on Friday night around 7pm she was allowed to leave the NICU and room with us for the night. It was so awesome!!! Yosh and I were beyond ready for our miniature roommate to appear! The nurse played the stork that brought our “special delivery” to our room…and Big Brother was on his way to finally get to meet his sister!

…sigh….she was safe, healthy and where she belonged…right with US!

Big brother came and was in LOVE with her…it was the cutest thing ever. He begged to hold her for 10 minutes…and even sang her a song!

And finally our family of four were able to be together!! My heart was so HAPPY!

We loved our first night “rooming” with our girl…she’s the best baby!! She’d wake every 2-3 hours, eat and go back to bed! It was awesome! She is so much like her big brother…a very calm content baby! Truly blessed! The next morning I got the all clear from the OB and Ella got the all clear from the NICU doctor…we were on our way home after lunchtime!

Got home to Big Brother SOO excited to see his Baby Sister again, demanding to hold her again!! Life was complete.

So she’s here…I’m busy and tired…but loving every second of it. Now if I could only get my hormones in check (I’ll post more about that tomorrow).

xoxo