14 Months

We are starting to really prep ourselves for our vacation to Ireland this summer. Thinking about all the logistics is nuts. What to bring, what not to bring, what to have on the other side for landing, essentials, foods/items unavailable in other countries, possible weather, etc. etc. As I mentally prep myself I’m trying to compare what Ella will be like to what Owen was like on his first trip…he was 15 months his first Ireland trip in 2010…

Our Ella girl is 14 months tomorrow….and will be 16 months on her first trip home.  So age similarities are going to be very close.

As we are prepping with transportation  stuff (car seats, strollers, etc.) I started looking through old pictures and videos of Owen. My little man…so much bigger than Ella and soooo much different. Owen liked TV at that age…Ella has little interest. Owen was barely becoming a good walker at 14 months…Ella is a pro walker/runner/climber.  Owen was saying lots of words…Ella has a handful of words.  Owen wasn’t sleep alone….Ella has been since 5 weeks old (wasn’t gonna make that mistake twice!). 

 

 

I love looking back at memories. I love photographs…and still tell myself to video tape more often. Hearing voices, noises, gestures make the memories much more special. 

Anyway…nice Saturday evening down memory lane!

Great Disney Day.

We love the Happiest Place on Earth…and I felt like this trip was the most productive one we have had in a long time!  Usually we go and its soooo crowded or sooooo hot or sooooo who knows. We usually walk from ride to ride never pulling the trigger and actually going on stuff…or walking from park to park…not utilizing our time efficiently. But Yesterday we went…even though we were warned that its spring break madness…record breaking numbers in the parks BUT we did it. And I’m so glad we did!

I borrowed our babysitters double stroller…even though Owen is a tad bit big for it BUT I wanted something that laid down for Ella (in the event that she would actually sleep….and she did….for 40 minutes)

First stop…Owen’s favorite ride…Toy Story’s Midway Mania!

Owen went on a good few rides with Daddy…while Ella and I hung out. I don’t do spinning rides…I get sick!
PS. I didn’t dress my child in a long sleeve onesie and jeggings BUT the weather warmed up and we had to take layers off…so she ended up in a white long sleeve DIRTY onesie (thanks lil goldfishie crackers) all day practically! I was mortified. lol

 

Family ride on the Jungle Cruise. we always get stuck in the middle seats. grrrr

So funny….Ella LOVES balloons…and she really loved this man holding all those balloons. And Owen gave the sword a good tug…but no go! He didn’t mind. lol

 

Ella is on this carousal ride with the boys..you just can’t see her.
 

She loved the carousal  

While Owen rode the rocket blasters…Ella and I camped out to save curb space for the parade…sooooo worth the hour and fifteen minutes…kids loved it.

Ella sat in her stroller, people watched and chowed on MORE goldfish for like an hour…then 15 minutes before parade time she decided to go out and make the whole crowd laugh. It was so cute!

   

She danced, clapped and kinda terrified too! lol Owen only covered his ears for a split second…and actually liked the parade too! Good Times.

Finished out the night with a few boardwalk games…these two were troopers…no nap for Owen, VERY short nap for Ella…and no meltdowns. Thank goodness for these two. Blessed to have great kids (or this anxiety riddled mother and father would die!) haha

 
We got on lots of rides, saw the parade, had churros AND ice cream…that is what I call a very successful day at Disneyland. 

14 years.

Its been 14 years since my brother was taken from us.

And in that 14 years I have learned that the saying “Time Heals All”…is NOT true. Time doesn’t heal the heart…time just teaches you how to cope. I miss my brother dearly. But when reflecting on our stage in the grieving process, I have learned that our “missing him” isn’t the same as it once was.  We used to miss his sweaty face, the smell of his cologne, his loud ass skateboarding in the backyard, his glasses that he always broke, his messy hands when he ate, his rocking himself to bed, arguments over the remote control, etc.  Ok I  still really miss that…but we aren’t looking at the clock thinking he’d be arriving home at a certain time or looking for him in the Ralphs Parking lot or wandering around Don Day Park. 
Now I miss the idea of him. I miss what we could have had. I miss the fact that he never fell in love and got married, I miss the fact that my kids don’t have an uncle or 1st cousins, I miss not being someone’s Auntie, I miss having a sibling, I miss our family of four. I lay awake at night and think about what would have been…what would he have been?

Last year I wrote about Owen being the best thing that happened to this family…and he was born 3 weeks early on April 4th to give my family something happy between two hard days to deal with in the year. March 24th, Pauls anniversary and April 19th, Pauls birthday.  And today was no exception. I’m under the weather today…physically and emotionally (I’m nursing one of the worst hangovers I’ve ever had) and Owen came over for a morning cuddle…that doesn’t happen very often…but its like he knew.

This kid makes my heart happy…

I went to the cemetery today alone. I needed some one on one time. I laid out there with Paul…prayed (something I don’t always do), talked to him and closed my eyes. I remember coming here for naps a few months after Paul passed away. I was going to college at RCC and between polo practices and classes I would come, sleep on my parka. It was a beautiful day…I heard the bagpipes of someone else's burial…made me sad. Paul has to listen to that all the time. Its depressing hearing those things!

This is also the first anniversary that I’m doing it like a grown up…all by myself. Parents are in Ireland…so its been a bit tougher. I sent these pics to mom though….I know she would want to be with me here today.

Its crazy its been 14 years…now…I’ll go enjoy my Mexican Pizza from Taco Bell in honor of Paul. And maybe i won’t use a napkin and let my hands get all messy like he would have….or maybe not. lol

Cancer

I hate cancer.

Today is one of those days. One of the days when my mind continues to go back to the place I was in 4.5 years ago.

I took the day off work, not for a day of leisure but very much the contrary.  After dropping the kids off at Martha’s and before my day got started I decided to treat myself to breakfast from Starbucks, sitting on the couch and watching one of my favorite shows disruption free. That's kinda like a vacation on its own. I turned on The Little Couple. Just so happens its the episode when Jen was diagnosed with cancer and she's going through her chemotherapy. I cried watching her. I cried thinking about JUST welcoming home an adoptive baby and not being able to fully be THERE for the kids and family. Having to force yourself to solely think about your health and treatment and miss out on some special moments with your kids. Makes my stomach hurt with memories. Jen’s positivity throughout her treatment was so awesome to watch….and it reminded me of the way our family got through our fight 4 years ago.

And While I was sitting in line at starbucks it dawned on me that this time 4 years ago (well actually yesterday 4 years ago) we were celebrating….like REALLY celebrating! I think it was the biggest celebrations of our life…other than our wedding. It was my “Post Chemo Bash”. We gathered at the Sons of Italy in Fontana with family and friends…to celebrate my treatments being over. No more chemo, no more radiation.  I had an AMAZING support system while I was sick…and being able to chat, drink, dance and relax with all those that showed their love was awesome. It was a brilliant night!

March 19th, 2010

Looking back at these pictures is crazy. I had such amazing support…Thank you all…We are blessed with such amazing friends!

But it saddens me that today I had to attend a funeral where a friend of mine WASN’T so lucky to be able to celebrate health like I did …she lost her battle to cancer.

 

I met Robyn a few years ago…I had her son in my online health class. He was kind of a slacker and his grade was reflecting that…and when I met her at a bunco gathering she wanted to know the ins and outs of my class. Talk about pressure. So we became friends through a bunco group that I made guest appearances at. haha Actually I’m friends with Taryn who is really IN the group…and I just tag along when dates work out for me.  Years later I had Robyns daughter in my class…and thats when I got to know her better. I saw the side of her that was so devoted to her children. She was such a great mom and advocate!!


me, Robyn, Taryn and Brenda
This was at a bunco party in September…might have been Robyns last. She was going through chemo and radiation at this point…and looked great huh!?!? We came together that night, played and had a good time. There were no winners at this particular bunco night…all the money went to Robyn to get her son, who is a freshman in college in New York, a flight home for Thanksgiving! She cried, we cried…

Anyway…Robyn was diagnosed mid-late last year with lung cancer. Very depressing considering she never smoked a day in her life. Growing up with asthma and bronchitis issues…she had developed a cough that wouldn’t go away. She went to the doctor when she started having rib pain from all the coughing. She did chemo, radiation but this cancer was spreading faster than the chemo was killing it. Only 47 years old…way to young! 

So days like these make me sad. As I watched her husband and kids say their final goodbyes my heart broke…I thanked God for my health and prayed that He comfort them during this very difficult time!

Why must Cancer exist?? What can we do to figure out a cure for this? I’m over it!