14 years.

Its been 14 years since my brother was taken from us.

And in that 14 years I have learned that the saying “Time Heals All”…is NOT true. Time doesn’t heal the heart…time just teaches you how to cope. I miss my brother dearly. But when reflecting on our stage in the grieving process, I have learned that our “missing him” isn’t the same as it once was.  We used to miss his sweaty face, the smell of his cologne, his loud ass skateboarding in the backyard, his glasses that he always broke, his messy hands when he ate, his rocking himself to bed, arguments over the remote control, etc.  Ok I  still really miss that…but we aren’t looking at the clock thinking he’d be arriving home at a certain time or looking for him in the Ralphs Parking lot or wandering around Don Day Park. 
Now I miss the idea of him. I miss what we could have had. I miss the fact that he never fell in love and got married, I miss the fact that my kids don’t have an uncle or 1st cousins, I miss not being someone’s Auntie, I miss having a sibling, I miss our family of four. I lay awake at night and think about what would have been…what would he have been?

Last year I wrote about Owen being the best thing that happened to this family…and he was born 3 weeks early on April 4th to give my family something happy between two hard days to deal with in the year. March 24th, Pauls anniversary and April 19th, Pauls birthday.  And today was no exception. I’m under the weather today…physically and emotionally (I’m nursing one of the worst hangovers I’ve ever had) and Owen came over for a morning cuddle…that doesn’t happen very often…but its like he knew.

This kid makes my heart happy…

I went to the cemetery today alone. I needed some one on one time. I laid out there with Paul…prayed (something I don’t always do), talked to him and closed my eyes. I remember coming here for naps a few months after Paul passed away. I was going to college at RCC and between polo practices and classes I would come, sleep on my parka. It was a beautiful day…I heard the bagpipes of someone else's burial…made me sad. Paul has to listen to that all the time. Its depressing hearing those things!

This is also the first anniversary that I’m doing it like a grown up…all by myself. Parents are in Ireland…so its been a bit tougher. I sent these pics to mom though….I know she would want to be with me here today.

Its crazy its been 14 years…now…I’ll go enjoy my Mexican Pizza from Taco Bell in honor of Paul. And maybe i won’t use a napkin and let my hands get all messy like he would have….or maybe not. lol