This time of year is oh so hard for my family! It’s a time of year when I guess I’ll always blog about my emotions…but I wonder if I’ll always have the same feelings. When does it change?
<—This was posted on fb today by one of my brothers friend, Richard. The newspaper clipping of Pauls obituary…and it was sadly the way that Richard had to find out that we had lost our Paul. Too bad some of the facts aren’t right, but overall its an eerie feeling reading this again!
Do these sad feelings ever go away?? Its been 12 years (tomorrow) since I lost my brother so tragically…but the pain in my heart still stings oh so much. Its weird…I feel the pain is much more intense now that I have Owen…and every year I have with O, the bond grows stronger and I feel sadder and sadder for my parents. I remember people telling me back in 2000 that the pain will go away…and to focus on the memories and the good times….I think those people are nice to pretend like they knew what they were talking about…but for the record…it doesn’t go away…coping just becomes a part of your life!
As I read what I wrote last year…it seems that I feel pretty much the same this year…but maybe a bit more down. I’ve kinda become a pro at hiding my sadness from others. I’m not the one that shows the sad times…the hard times…I feel that I have this piece of me that must always see the positives and not let feelings bring me down. But I’m not emotionless…I feel…I feel sad and just don’t know how to show it sometimes.
This night 12 years ago I saw Paul. I saw him in the parking lot of Rite Aid…and to this day I regret so much not stopping and saying hello. We were at such a rough time in our relationship that we weren’t speaking…he wasn’t really speaking to any of my family. I know that he was still “finding himself” back then…and I know deep down he would have gotten his head on straight sooner or later.
Tomorrow we’ll have a picnic with Uncle Paul…and then mass in honor of him at 4:30pm at Sacred Heart in Glen Avon. Hug your loved ones people…you just never know!
Enjoy ur picnic, let your emotions flow, don't hold them in :( Try not to hang on to the shoulda, coulda, woulda! I do it too but then i snap myself outta it!! And enjoy the mass tomorrow, it will be nice to hear that it is in his honor :)
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