Four Years

August 12th is one of THE most memorable days of my life…definitely top 5…but unfortunately not for something great! 

August 12, 2009 I was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma Nodular Sclerosis and my life seriously changed FOREVER!

This was what I thought my “eventful” life consisted of on August 11th, 2009…I thought I was invincible to the world…never thinking something could or would happen to me. I was a new mom…my world revolved around this little man. On vacation in Laughlin…the phone call that came on the morning of August 12th, 2009..devastatingly changed us!
I thought life was full with him…

my 4 month old little Owen.

And today my life REALLY is FULL with my 6 month old little EllaI didn’t realize at the time, of the weight this would carry with me throughout my life but I’ve recently realized that this won’t go away. Yes the cancer went away (THANK GOD) but being “the girl that had cancer” is a title that sticks around. Luckily I have my best friend to talk to about this with…Mom knows the feeling…she holds the “Cancer Survivor” title as well! It’s a title to be proud of…but sometimes I feel pressure to be a certain way or be able to help everyone and its impossible.
This year we had a friend walk at the Relay For Life in honor of Mom and I…was so nice! Seeing Survivor gives others hope…to keep up the good fight…

The fear I felt this day 4 years ago still lives deep within…it gives me that butterfly feeling in the pit of my stomach. The rollercoaster of life still messes with my head! But today was the first “anniversary” where I was feeling such gratitude instead of sadness. Happy how my life has unfolded and the meaning behind it all. I’m grateful for what I have been given..the cards that were dealt for me. Sometimes I throw pity parties…but today I feel that there is a greater purpose. When I hold my babies I know that I’m the woman I am today because of my experiences…the good and bad. I have a friend that is currently going through treatment battling late stage aggressive lung cancer. I hurt for her…I text her with positive messages as often as I can…but know and feel that “yucky” feeling she's dealing with…I can still smell it…taste it…and still feel it! And her situation is much worse than I can imagine since her cancer is giving her bone pain in her legs and ribs! I pray for Robyn…to comfort her and give her strength for her battle!!

But today I watched my kiddos, thankful I’m alive…they are amazing…and I love them…

Ella likes her Daddy…when Mommy is at arms distance away. Her being such a mama’s girl can get frustrating at times…especially since it seems like I can’t leave when I want to, sleep when I want to. For example going to Zumba…I tried going once…she woke 15 minutes after I left and screamed and cried for Daddy the whole hour I was gone…frustrating (for both Daddy and I) BUT at the same time I know this too shall pass…and we are blessed with this little lady!

And Owen absolutely adores his Daddy…since Ella’s arrival he has bonded much much deeper with his daddy! I love watching it. Like today…wanting to ride his bike standing up JUST like Daddy…and he finally did it! Go Owen.

They are always competing, racing, arguing and wrestling…Yosh constantly antagonizing him…but I’m grateful for these two boys in my life. They are the world to me!

Evenings filled with playing hide and seek…
((I’m AMAZED that Daddy fit in the same cabinet that Owen fits in too!)

And enjoying regular nights in the Souza house. Routine (which Daddy is finally start to except) Dinner, evening walk, bath, play time and bed! Day is DONE and we must rest for another one tomorrow.

There was a time I wasn’t sure if I’d see a regular day like today. I remember crying, rocking Owen, praying I would see him walk…talk…graduate high school, get married. I’m here, healthy, happy and grateful! I do remember that feeling…I don’t take it for granted but I don’t want to feel it again…ever!