Yesterday I had my 6 month oncology check up…I was a tad nervous since my oncologist requested I have my check x-ray repeated from February. Going in to get x-rayed was funny…the technician was verifying that my doctors all knew I was pregnant before doing a full chest x-ray…come on lady…like I wouldn’t ask my doctors if it was ok before doing it. My OB said that x-rays aren’t much radiation and wouldn't hurt the baby…but if we had to have an MRI or CT Scan we’d have to talk about it.
Three years ago, this weekend (August 2009) we were at the river…oh how times have changed…now I find myself back to work…uggghhh! But we were at the river…trying to keep our minds busy. Surrounding ourselves with friends…since we knew there was trouble ahead.
At this point we knew there was a large mystery mass horse-shoeing around my heart, coming up my neck…that was verified via CT-Scan. But what we didn’t know, was what the mass was…whether it was cancer or not. My stomach turns when I think about that time in my life…I was so scared. Cancer didn’t scare me…I watched my mom kick its butt 5 years prior…wasn’t scary until it was might possibly be wrapped around the most important organ in my body!!! Tests…and wait…more tests…then more waiting…it was killing us. The unknown was killing us…so we went to the river…to help us stay positive and have some fun!
Erika sent me this collage…pics from her phone…recaps our trip wonderfully, from fun…crying…to losing our darn hotel room key! haha this makes me laugh
While we were in our hotel room…three years ago tomorrow, I got the call from the thoracic surgeon that I, in fact had Hodgkins Lymphoma…cancer. (click here where I talked about it last year.
So…now I had cancer…with this little 4 month old baby…depending on me to be strong and survive. I would look at him and just cry…scared that I wouldn’t be around to see him get married, graduate college or hell even walk…we just didn’t know anything then. I just wished that life would be all he wanted…regardless…
And now three years later…those fears are gone…but not forgotten. And every 6 months when I see my oncologist they creep back into my life. The “what if”…and this time was no different…I was scared. I have another little baby coming and already depending on me to take care of it…I can’t have the cancer come back…but my mind goes to that place of…what would we do if????
Yesterday chattin’ with Dr. C, he was very excited I was pregnant…he said he never doubted that the ABVD (my chemo cocktail) would affect my fertility…he said that my hemoglobin levels were low…but pregnancy would be the reason for that…and my x-ray looked good…but of course would wait for the official radiology report. Oh Thank heavens…I’m ok!!! As I left his office I let him know that next visit I’d have a little newborn with me…oh wow just realizing…I’m gonna meet this new little person soon, pregnancy is going back quick!!
As I was leaving the Oncology department at Kaiser Fontana…there was a youngish guy (early-mid 20’s) talking with a female around the same age. He was speaking VERY loudly, so I could hear him before I even left the nurse’s station…he was talking about NOT believing in God..and not have the ABILITY to love and believe in God. Now…you all know I’m not exactly the bible-reading, churching going kinda person BUT I do believe in God, etc. He was talking so loudly and there were a few other people waiting in the same small waiting room. I was soooooo irritated as I walked to the elevator…how RUDE can that person be…#1 to be speaking THAT loudly is just plain annoying and rude and #2 speaking about THAT kinda stuff in a room full of people battling for their lives, many whom are clinching on to their faith as the only way to keep fighting. I was so pissed. He’s lucky I wasn’t sitting in the room, I would have told him to shut his damn mouth and be courteous to others around him! Just amazes me how ignorant some people can be!! As Mom would say…”I’ll pray for his dumb ass”. haha
And it just so happens on Thursday…while I’ve been having the creepy little cancer feelings starting to come back…I was featured on one of my favorite blogs…www.lilblueboo.com. Ashley is the author of this blog..started as a DYI kinda blog but once she was diagnosed with cancer she writes about everything and anything…and I love it. But she did a bit about hair loss…she was documenting hers and wanted to see pictures of other people’s. So I emailed her my pics…and BAM…I was on her blog (here).
I felt so cool…and super duper special. Reading about other women and their battle with hair loss was so inspiring!! Seeing my pictures on my computer screen…on someone else’s blog was emotional…I’m not sure why…but it was! I can tell you exactly where I was in my life through pictures by looking at my hair…what year, month, everything. Each phase was a different emotional, mental and health phase. I’m thankful to be cancer free…I’m beyond thankful to be expecting Baby #2…and anyone that is battling…stay strong…positivity can pull you through many obstacles in life!
I can remember Yosh coming here telling us what was going on and him leaving with us in absolute shock. Over the years that I've known you, you have proven to be one of the strongest women I've known my whole life. It's been amazing to see that one person can have so many close people in her huge circle cheering her on with non-stop support and love. In your blog, your words of experience inspire so many to stay positive in whatever comes their way. It's weird to think that I actually know someone so powerful. Blog on! xo
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