I’ve been having such weird feelings lately…about my cancer. Of course I always have the fear deep down that it will come back…even with the 2 year cancer-free marker having come and gone. The farther away from that time in my life the better my odds are of it NEVER returning. I feel like it has a 0% chance of coming back but you just never know (yes the ever lasting pessimist)! I know I’ve been having these crazy thoughts lately since my whole ordeal with cancer has been brought up quite a bit lately. Every time I turn around it feels like I’m being dragged back to that time in my life.
Right before we got out of school for the summer we have open enrollment at the district office for our benefits. That is the time that we get the chance to enroll in elective disability insurances as well as pick our medical, dental, and vision packages. I have paid into a short term disability since I started teaching in 2007; I knew that I would need it for maternity leave someday. I used my American Fidelity insurance twice; for the birth of Owen and my 6 months of treatment. It was an amazing policy and financially saved us! When I filed my paperwork right before Ella’s arrival I was very unhappy to find out American Fidelity had changed our policies without notifying us (“us” being all district employees with this policy) AND it was done after our enrollment had closed (leaving us no other option to change!). I was PISSED…but to make a VERY VERY long story short…we got screwed out of a lot of money…did some MAJOR complaining to the district, our teachers union, the company…anyone that would listen! The only good that came from it was American Fidelity brought the original policy back this year. Which is a GREAT Thing for me. In all my fury I went researching other companies and policies. Yosh was accepted by a company with great benefits and low monthly premiums. I unfortunately got this letter after applying to the same company…
“…coverage is declined”. Since I had to admit I had cancer they don’t want me. Talk about the ultimate rejection!
Nice. huh. So because I had cancer some (okay a lot) of companies won’t insure me. That whole “pre-existing conditions clause” really effs you!! Thankfully I got into my disability insurance pre-cancer…and am now kinda stuck with it whether the policy sucks or not. And when looking into life insurance we have recently found out that the companies that WILL insure me want around $500 in monthly premiums for minimal coverage. Its kinda sad…okay its really sad! Walking around tables at open enrollment having to ask…”if my cancer comes back will this policy pay out” and “If I were to DIE from cancer, would this policy work, even if it’s a pre-existing condition?” Totally morbid and depressing but essential questions when searching for the best policy possible.
AND these damn post-baby hormones are a bitch and making my hair fall out…which again…reminds me of my early chemo days! Showering can be startling…so much damn hair falls out! And this picture was just the beginning…sooo much more comes out these days! When does that stop happening?!?!?!?
And so on top of all that insurance crap constantly reminding me, make me think of that time of my life and the effects on my future…Ella has officially turned the EXACT age (literally….4 months 8 days old!) that Owen was when I was diagnosed with Hodgkins. Its like life was so different back then and BAM…everything changed so quickly. So I feel like when people ask me…did Owen do this or that…I have no clue…my memory gets very foggy from about this time until he was over a year old. Sad huh?!? I only have what little fuzzy memories I have, what I wrote down to go off and pictures we took. Its like we are heading into what feels like unchartered territory.
August 12, 2009 - This is the day that I got the phone call…we were on a mini vacation in Laughlin with great friends…and we got the phone call from the Thoracic Surgeon that the biopsy results had come back…this tumor in my chest… 
Was in fact Hodgkins Lymphoma Nodular Sclerosis. The phone call was surreal. I didn’t cry…I think I was just in shock. The Doctor spelled it out…literally…he knew we were gonna hit google the second we hung up. Yosh and I sat there…looked at eachother…and knew my battle had began. I knew what was in store for me…I had to watch my mother battle breast cancer 5 years prior. But it was scary…very scary. To look into Owen’s little eyes and be terrified that I might not actually win this battle…what happens if I never saw him walk, go to school, graduate, get married…all these things ran through my head constantly!
We had gotten the news we were waiting for…hoping it wasn’t what we thought it was…but gosh darnit it WAS what we were dreading. So we sat there, made the phone calls to our families and decided it was as good of a day as any to hit the lake.
I was so glad we were surrounded by some of our best friends. Not just for me…but Yosh too! He needed support from his buddies as well!
So as we are preparing for Ella’s first river trip next week I think about Owen being this age…how THAT particular river trip went…and it was one of the days that I will never forget…ever.
I do have to continue to reassure myself…everything is fine. No cancer. We can handle Ella even if we don’t remember what we did the first time around…we have google and friends that will remind me when I’m doing something wrong! haha.
No comments:
Post a Comment