I hate this day. I hate that this is the worst day of my life and its so close to the best day of my life, Owens birthday, April 4th. 13 years ago today we lost my brother…and I’ll have to say in 13 years I always dread this time of year….and it never gets easier. End of March is just so depressing…and unfortunately that gloominess runs right into April until after Paul’s birthday on the 19th. Sometimes I think that God purposely sent Owen so early so that we had something wonderful to think about during such a sad time of year. Yosh said it today “Owen was the best thing that happened to this family”…and it most definitely was. He brings the smile to our faces, even on sad days like today! I swear its like Owen just KNOWS when people aren’t feeling happy…and he knows how to make us smile. Say the cutest things, act perfectly and just be the happiness we need.
Today we spent the afternoon visiting Uncle Paul. Owen knows that we go there…and Uncle Paul isn’t really there, he’s with God but he doesn’t mind going, visiting, talking and just spending time there. He also loves visiting with the ducks on the way out. It was a picnic day again (seems to be what we do every year on his anniversary). It was a beautifully sunny day and a perfect day for Little Sister to get to visit her uncle for the first time.
I hate that Ella has to visit her uncle like this. Same for Owen…it’s a hard thing to explain to my kids. And when they are really old enough to understand I dread the day I have to give them the deals of what happened. I know that’s many many many years from now, but that day will come soon enough. One of them will probably ask and I’ll give them the story…or maybe have them read my blog and give the other details as needed.
I still feel my brothers presence around. Some people believe in all that spirits and ghost stuff and some don’t…but I surely do. Around this time of year things go missing and then are found right in front of our faces. Mom’s earrings, Owen’s toys. I know its him. I love feeling him around. I love dreaming about him.
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I’ve said it before…how now having a son of my own I view my mom’s grieving in such a different way. I look at Owen and just THINK about something happening makes me cry. I couldn’t imagine that becoming a reality.
Owen and Ella kept my spirits up today…its easy to let them make you happy. I had a rough start to the week emotionally…sometimes being in my old neighborhood does that to me. Makes me sad…makes me miss Paul so much. And being hormonal 7 weeks after child birth…its been difficult. Mom posted this picture today…it made me cry…like really cry for her!
And her caption on fb was:
“Another hug sure would be nice. He is missed soooo much. May he rest in peace.”
My heart hurts for my Mom…I couldn’t imagine the pain of not getting another hug from my son. I will admit her posting this made me hug my little man extra hard tonight and I’m sure many others will as well.
You are greatly missed brother. I wish you were here with us everyday.
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