…and 2 years later

I have been thinking about this post all week. Its been such an emotional week for me…starting a new school year, teaching something new, being exhausted, having major anxiety…saddness from this stupid group on facebook called “You Know You Are From Southridge if you…” I don’t know why…but it just makes me sad. Southridge was a very close knit community that I grew up in, located in South Fontana (California). At one time it was considered the “rich” side of Fontana…but quickly lost that reputation…and became pretty darn ghetto! But its my roots…funny memories, bad memories…and all of it has been put on that site. But all my childhood memories flood my mind with thoughts of my brother…the funny memories with him, reading funny stories about his friends but the fact that he died within this community just pisses me off. This close knit community, claiming to be so tight, but when Paul was murdered,  no one spoke up…no one had his back…and it makes me horribly sad and mad at the same time! Yes 11 years later I still feel this way!  So the whole mix of all these emotions has been wild this week…and the thought of August 12, 2009 also just makes me very sad.

2 years ago today I was sitting in Harrah’s Hotel & Casino in Laughlin, Nevada, we had been on the boat the day prior and were getting ready to head out to the boat again with The Manley’s and The Paul’s…when I got the phone call on my cell.  Dr. Navarro called to tell me that the results of the ultrasound guided biopsy came back, and it was positive that I had Hodgkins Lymphoma.  I remember him telling me to get a pen and paper, and spelled out “H-O-D-G-K-I-N-S L-Y-M-P-H-O-M-A"  he wanted to make sure I had the proper spelling since he knew I was probably going to google it. While I sat on that bed…with little Owen next to me, Yosh staring at me…I didn’t cry. I was just in total shock. At that stage we knew I had a large “mass” in my chest…so I think we were relieved that this was THIS cancer, rather than another more serious type of deadly tumor. We were told that Hodgkins was the “Hollywood of Cancers”…meaning it was very curable! What do you do when you have been told over the phone, while on vacation in another state that you have cancer….I remember Yosh asking me if I was alright…and me just responding “yes, when are we leaving for the boat?”.  I was so numb!  I called my parents…Mom tried acting brave and thrilled that it was “only” that. She said in that phone call (for the 100th time)…that Auntie Eileen had beaten Lymphoma twice and she was in her 60’s! That’s mom’s way of pretending like she wasn’t scared shitless…which she totally was.   We went on the boat that day…and tried to enjoy ourselves. I think back now…and feel bad for Joel & Deanna and Erika & Chuck…like how do you act around your best friend who has just been diagnosed with cancer…pretty awkward huh?!?

I have a video of me singing to Owen…the Rascal Flatts song “My Wish”…its very sad…was going to upload it but can’t…so here are the pics of me singing to him.

That day on the lake I couldn’t take my eyes off Owen…I only thought about dieing…scared I’d never get to see him live, marry, go to school, drive…hell even walk. At that time I was scared of everything and that I’d die very soon. And I know that Yosh was dreading and denying the thoughts of losing his wife and having Owen alone. He never wanted to talk about it then…but I know it crossed his mind!

Today…I should be happy right…I mean my life has totally turned around. I’m healthy, 18 months cancer free…awesome! But I’m not happy…today makes me sad. Mom put it to me well, she said “Erin, its ok that your not happy yet…its too soon…hell you can still taste the damn chemo for Christ sake”.  Exactly Bernie…you hit the nail on the head with response. I can still taste the chemo, smell the hospital, feel the nausea…oh dear. BLAH.  But I’m no longer scared…wait I’m lying…yes I totally am. Just a different scared. The constant fear that the cancer will come back always lingers in me.  I’ve asked other cancer survivors and they all have similar fears…so I think this is one of the lasting “effects” cancer leaves on you. This internal fear…the scar from my port and my “tattoos” from radiation. Those are all still there…oh and my nice new curly hair. All reminders of the battle!  I wear this necklace that my Dad got me for my birthday…proudly…

…the necklace rests between 2 of my battles wounds…Port-a-cath scar on the left, Radiation Tattoo on the right (it looks like a TINY blue freckle)

 

Week 1 of work is done…it was only 3 days of teaching but man I’m exhausted. We were suppose to be in Laughlin tonight until Sunday…for the Laughlin Regatta which is a river float…but we are so exhausted and I couldn’t bring myself to go back to Laughlin and be in the same place 2 years later. To freaky.  So we went to dinner…me and my 2 favorite boys! Was a nice relaxing evening, Cheesecake Factory for dinner, Coldstone for desert…but now I must go, add MORE calories to my evening and enjoy some wine Ü