March 24, 2000

What were you doing 11 years ago today?? I was thinking about my senior prom, thinking about how much I hated my softball coach for screwing me over my last year of softball…thinking about boyfriend and girlfriends…and all that stuff a typical senior in high school is thinking about…until I came home from school that day. 11 years ago today was the WORST day of my life. It was an unusually warm day for March…I can even remember what I was wearing…a red tank top and my favorite pair of jeans. I wore black flip flops…which for me at the time was out of my comfort zone. My Senior year I wore “baby doll” t-shirts, jeans or dickies and skate shoes…sandals weren’t my thing…yet! The usual drive home from FoHi softball practice, in my ‘94 red toyota tercel.  I pulled up in front of my house, on Redwood Drive, and a family friend came down from a neighbors house. I had known this female for at least 10 years…our brothers were best friends. She came down to tell me that she thought He had been hurt…seriously hurt.  And I asked her “like rolling off a roof and breaking his arm hurt…or worse?”  (Some people got to see him in his lovely cast after falling off a roof and breaking his arm)  She said “like way worse”.  Very skeptical I put my softball and school bag inside my house and drove to where she thought He was. One block from my house…Jasmine Place.

Once I saw the police caution tape, I knew it…once I asked the officer if someone was seriously hurt, I knew it….Once I asked if my brother was in there dead…I knew it. I begged the officer to let me in…I begged him to just tell me the answer I needed to know. But deep down I didn’t need to hear anything, I had “that” feeling…you know the one you read about in book…well I had it. I asked the officer if the guy in that house had a gray sweatshirt on and a silver ball necklace…with dark hair…I knew what He was wearing b/c I saw him the night before…riding a bike in the Ralphs parking lot. I saw him and never even stopped to say hello…w/ fear he wouldn’t say hello back…since we hadn’t spoke in a few months, our relationship was rocky at the least.  The officer’s facial response meant more than the words that came out of his mouth…I knew it.  Then Officer Jerk-off told me to go home and just relax! (WHAT THE HELL, How do you relax!)

That “He” I’m speaking of…is my 20 year old brother, Paul!

SO I went home and called my parents and told them to come home RIGHT AWAY! Not wanting to be home alone I went to my dear friend Erika’s for some comfort until my Mother was arrived at home. I don’t remember much about that visit but I do remember going there. 

Hours later…the detective came to my house to ask questions…and give the “I’m so sorry” speech. It seemed to be a bit of a “scuffle” were his words…My heart sunk…as did my mothers and fathers. I didn’t know what to do w/ myself…I just had the urge to run. So I did…as hard and as fast as I could. Running w/o thinking..but ended up down the street at my 2nd families…the Kostelniks. I sat and cried…for what seemed like hours. The rest of that time in my life was a blur…visitors, flowers, visitors, food, family, friends, crying, anger, hiding away at my high school boyfriends house…trying to be strong for my parents but deep down just not knowing how to deal.  I grieved…and still grieve to this day! I miss him dearly…I want to hurt the person responsible for this!

Sometimes I wonder if it would have happened a different way if I would have been able to heal a little better. If it was a car accident, snowboarding accident, biking accident, disease, illness…something. But no…not like this. His death was literally at the hands of someone else…someone else that didn’t pay the price for doing this. I won’t go into specifics…but having a brother whom has been murdered…and NO justice has prevailed for his life…is something you never recover from. Yes I know “that” person will have his judgment day at the gates of Heaven…but I want something done now.  I never got the chance to say good-bye…or even hello for that matter. The choices Paul made throughout his teen years caught up with him…the choices of “friends”, activities, etc. but those choices, whether they were good or bad are not a good enough reason for him to be taken from us like that!

11 years later…I think about what he would have been like. What would he be doing for a living? Would be be married? Man I know his kids would have been adorable, dark hair, blue eyes just like him?!? You know that song by Kenny Chesney…and that part “I wonder what he would’ve named his babies….”  I think about that all the time.  I get angry since my son won’t get to meet his Uncle Paul…gosh he would have loved him so much. My brother never even got to meet and harrass my husband…which in turn angers Yosh. 

Every year on this day I take the day off work to spend it with Mom. Some years are more emotional than others…but this year was just different. I thought about him so much…I thought about that day, that night, the next day and why things happened the way they did. Why has our life been so hard?  We told Owen that we were going to visit Uncle Paul today…and he seemed happy.  We got to our familiar place at Riverside National Cemetery…and it was like Owen knew what was going on. Owen loved the flowers that Nana put on Paul’s grave…he couldn’t stop touching and smelling them.  We chatted…but Owen kept our spirits up…giggling and laughing the whole time.  Telling me “you can’t”…he just seemed so happy. Those innocent naïve feelings rubbed off onto Mother and I…I miss my brother so deeply…and now that I have a son of my own my pain for my Mother’s loss is so much different now. I thought it was bad losing a brother…but the pain that my parents feel to this day is incomparable! God has been good and allowed them comfort in life, and Mom said today that she knows that she was put on this earth for Owen…so she was going to spoil him rotten until she no longer can!  The fact that Owen has to visit Paul like this just isn’t fair! I know he won’t know any different, but still I’ll throw a little pity party for myself!

I know Paul’s at peace…but March 24, 2000 my family lost a huge piece of our  heart that will never be filled.  Thank you Paul for being my guardian angel, the light that help me get through tough times…you are FOREVER in my heart!

 

Rest in Peace Brother!

Paul Patrick Gallagher

April 19, 1979 – March, 24, 2000