Our Little Clare

Today was a very sad day!  At a young age of barely turning 3 years and 8 days old, our little Clare had to be sent to doggy heaven!

Back in November when we were re-doing our floors the Souza dogs were sent to Casa De Gallagher… indefinitely.  The reason we HAD to get new flooring was because our darling little Ando (my male Yorkie) had marked all over the carpet. The day that Ando “marked” my human child, I knew he had to be relocated quickly before Yosh killed them! So Ando and Clare were a package deal…so they were staying with my parents for a while. There they had more “dog friendly” areas to hang during the day and got lots of love and attention from my parents in the evenings…was the best situation for them!  Anyway…1.5 weeks ago Bernie said that Clare was acting “weird” and not eating great. I told Mother to not worry about it, she was probably having one of her “Neurotic Moments”.  She had them every few months, and those that come over our house often had witnessed the metal sniffing, random barking, hiding in the kitchen, etc. that Clare would do for a week or so at a time.  So I thought that was what was wrong this time as well.

After the marathon on Sunday Mom said Clare was NOT doing well and she was going to bring her to the vet Monday morning.  To make an extremely long story short, they kept her b/c her blood tests came back abnormal in a lot of areas. The vet wasn’t sure how Clare was still alive being how dehydrated she was, her white blood cells were very high, her red blood cells were extremely low, and the clotting agent was high as well…to make one believe she had internal bleeding somewhere.  So they wanted to get fluids into her and see if that would help her perk up a bit. Yesterday when Mom and I went to visit Clare, she seemed sick, but put her paws on me, wanted to be held and was licking me like crazy! So we left her another night and the vet started a steroid treatment with hopes that it would help her and what they thought was probably an auto-immune disease.  So last night, I hoped and prayed that our Clare was gonna feel much better today. 

When I called Dr. Butchko’s office today at lunch to check on Clare-Bear, I knew that something wasn’t right. I asked if she had eaten and how she was. They said very lethargic and no she hadn’t eaten.  Of course Mother and I went over to pay a visit to our little pup…once I saw her I knew she just wasn’t ok!  This is what she looked like:

She barely wagged her tail when she saw me…didn’t even TRY to get up and come to me. She barely wagged her tail when she saw Mom…but again didn’t budge to get up.  I petted her and and chatted with her and she didn’t or couldn’t even lick me!  And Clare is the type of dog that would lick the eyes out of your head if she was let!!  No licking, no moving, no nothing was a BAD BAD sign to me!  Since Clare’s vet was out today and tomorrow, the attending veterinarian (who was much nicer and more realistic than the original) told me that she wasn’t doing well and that I would be completely justified in taking Clare out of the pain she was in.  The vet told me that a lot of dogs that get this…stay there for weeks costing thousands of dollars and a lot never make it home.  I’ve NEVER had to deal with having the thoughts, guilt everything in the palm of my hand. I stood there looking at her try to keep her eyes open and thought…”I am thinking about sending Clare to doggy heaven and she doesn’t even know it”…am I the one to play God with her?? It’s a tough decision!!

So I told the vet…I can’t live thinking she is in pain and not going to be ok. The fact that her condition was worse from the day before I knew that she wasn’t going to pull through this. Got the paperwork together to have her euthanized…did you know they can cremate your doggy in an individual ceremony (for a small fee)…and give you the ashes to keep forever!?!?  I didn’t purchase any doggy remains…I don’t think Clare would have wanted that! (sorry trying to have a bit of humor about this, the tears have got to dry at some point!).  But I had Mom and Owen wait out in the waiting room…while I stayed with her.  When I picked her up, she could barely hold her own head up…and that’s when I REALLY knew this was the right decision for her! Her little heart stopped beating before the vet was finished pushing the stuff into her iv…the doc said usually it takes a few minutes after the shot for them to “fall asleep”, but Clare was already to weak and broken down it took seconds.  Was so peaceful…I just held her…and she lay her little head on my arm and that was it.  The vet warned me that sometimes after they pass, they urine or poop…but see…Clare was such an amazing dog she didn’t do either on me!  She’s up in Doggy heaven with all the other lovely little doggy pets that are done here on earth up but are up there keeping someone company while they wait at the gates for their loved ones!

Makes me sad that she was BARELY 3 years old…such a good healthy dog up until this point! Yeah she barked and woke my baby up from time to time, yeah she would chew all his darn toys and pacifiers were her absolute favorite “treat” haha…but she was a good little dog. And would let Owen body slam her and play with her…she was great. She will be deeply missed by ALL the Souza’s…

including my Father and Mother-in-Law…my Niece and Nephew Peyton and Bailey and my sis  and bro-in-laws, Missy & Chris.

<-----she loved Owen so much…always laying ON him or licking his face…but she really just loved him so so much! (Note Bernie’s face…haha)

 

Here are a few more pics of my crazy little dog!!! I can’t believe I’m blogging a memorial for her…NEVER in my wildest dreams did I think that a) she’d die ANYTIME soon b) that I’d BLOG about her….Gosh I’m a changed woman these days!

 

 

 

Rest In Doggy Peace my Little Clare Souza!

Feb. 1st, 2008 – Feb. 9th, 2011

 

Surf City 2011

So another item off the bucket list…I completed a half marathon!

Last year…I’m not sure who came up with the idea but Cindy  Hamann got my Mom and a few other ladies on board to participate in a half marathon. I think that originally the training/quality time was meant to help Mother get through my treatment, with having her friends around her for the support that she desperately needed! Either way, my Mother, Cindy Hamann, Sandi Newman, Nichole Lindersmith, Donnita Lindersmith, together, with the Road Warriors Running Club out of Redlands all did the 1/2 marathon in honor of ME! Erika Paul, Jonathan Morales and The Brito’s all did the Surf City 5k in honor of me as well! 

Redlands Road Warriors	Nichole, Sandi, Donnita and Mom	Jonathan, Lili, me, Erika & Fernando after the 5k

How humbling of an experience is it to have a Running Club, full of strangers, fundraise in my honor for a year, use me and my battle as their “shining star” during races and having family-friends that aren’t exactly “marathon runners”, get out there and accomplish something amazing like this!?!?  So when I found out that race day landed just 3 days after my last chemo treatment I knew that even if I was puking in my chair waiting for them to finish I’d HAVE to be there to cheer them on or at least hug them when they crossed the finish line!…so needless to say, I wasn’t feeling too hot, didn’t do much “cheering” but I did do a lot of hugging when I saw the women finish!!

So the bright GREEN shirts said “Carin for Erin” and seemed to get EVERYONE’S attention in Huntington Beach. Everyone asked the walkers “So who is Erin?”…and they’d say “she's at the finish line…and she’ll be doing it next year”!

When I was first diagnosed Cindy Hamann gave me one of her marathon medals…to help inspire me to kick this cancers booty.  I cherish that medal, and one of my lifetime goals HAS to be to complete that same Rock ‘N Roll marathon and give Cindy MY medal in return! Cindy has gone through some sh*t this past year…no, not cancer and chemo but she got run over by her own car, fractured pelvis, surgeries AND still recovered enough to do Surf City this year w/ her Road Warriors! Good Job Cindy!!

Finally spotting Bernie’s bright GREEN shirt I was overcome with joy and emotion.  She had a look of accomplishment across her face and I knew she was proud of herself.  Mom walked right over, took her medal off and put it around my neck and said “It was all for you my Loveen!” 

As we stood at the finish line last year we said that we were going to be completing this race again next year….but I was going to be a member of the team instead of a cheer-leader!

 

February 6th, 2011…

We lost Sandi for this year…she wasn’t able to commit the time to training this year, but look forward to having her (and her daughter-in-law) out next year! We added Trish Aries, Donnita’s friends Barbara & Shelley & Erika decided to up herself from the 5k to 13.1 miles!!! Thank you All That Bling for doing an awesome job on our Cancer Sucks! shirts!

I figured we didn’t need to do this race “for me” so the Carin’ For Erin shirts were going to have to get retired! BUT I wanted to still do something to show that Cancer Sucks and we don’t like it. Therefore the saying “Cancer Sucks!” fit accordingly for our new shirt logo! Mom had Mary D., and 2 Sylvia’s written on her shirt, so we thought about them and their current battles with cancers now!

So all the mornings we trained, the new shoes (and blisters that came alone with them), the outfits, etc. but all laughing aside I was getting serious about race time.  Those that know me, know that I’m not one bit competitive (haha)  I didn’t have many expectations for myself when signing up for this…but that soon led to the idea that I really wanted to get under 3hours.  I also went from the idea of walking the whole race like we’ve done Breast Cancer walks in the past to trying to actually jog some of this darn thing.  All the women wanted to walk, but I knew Trish would be game for getting my a$$ running….and THAT she did! Thank you Trish for pushing me when I needed it and not letting me fall behind! She gave me something to remember my FIRST half marathon…

This bracelet is so awesome…and she seems to always give the right gifts!

Trish and myself finished the 13.1 miles in 2 hours and 39 minutes…not too shabby! I was very proud of us!!!

…I was hurtin’ so bad yesterday that I was asleep by 7:30pm and felt like I got ran over by a truck BUT it was all worth it!!! Can’t wait for next year…and already looking into more “events” we can do this year as a group! Thanks ladies for an awesome experience…and see ya soon!

Another victory…another experience!! Thank you Lord for curing me!

Such a wonderful year…

Today is a very special day…for a few awesome reasons.

First…today is my wonderful cousin, Alan’s 29th birthday…he’s 2 months older than me and the closest thing I now have to a brother.  Even though we live on different sides of the world, he is truly a very special person to me!   This summer he became Owen’s God-Father and he is someone I’d trust to raise Owen properly if God forbid something were to happen to Yosh and myself (and Bernie was dead b/c no one would be able to take Owen from her if she were still alive and kicking) . He’s a very independent, strong-willed, amazing Dad, Husband, Son, Brother and Cousin!!  We used to be told that we looked alike BUT I’m thinking this past visit in July we were probably like twins since we almost had matching hair-do’s! haha 

 

 

Second…its my parents 33rd Wedding Anniversary! Yes 33 years…that’s A LONG time! As my Dad used to say “Marriage was worst than a prison sentence…25 to life"!! haha They met in Ireland back in 1960’s…but started dating sometime in the 70’s.  Mother left Ireland; left college, ALL her family, her everything for her soul-mate…the American boy, named Liam. Dad was in the Air Force, so mother was coming over to become a “military wife"  They wed in Omaha, Nebraska in 1978, mother had NO family present, and only a few of Dad’s family was able to make it.  Liam w/ his high school graduation suit, (nice collar Pops!) and mother with her smashing nun-life wedding dress (nice collar Mother! haha) they enjoyed a nice, freezing, snowy day :/   Since they weren’t even 21 yet they weren’t even able to drink at their own wedding reception…they were just babies!!  They are what a true relationship is all about. The love, support, encouragement and dedication they have for one another is the secret to a successful marriage.  They have endured the extreme highs and the extreme lows, more than anyone else I know…and have stuck together through it all! My parents are seriously the match made in heaven.  I am so proud to have parents like mine, and I’m not just saying that!  I’m overcome with joy that this year they are able to be together, celebrate and be happy! …Unlike how they spent last years anniversary…Mom was with me all day at Kaiser, then came home to my house and stayed for 3 nights to help take care of my sick self and Owen (who was only 10 months old at the time!)…she didn’t get to spend the evening with her husband, like she should have been.  THAT’S another reason why my parents are so awesome!!

And for ME…Today is a wonderful day in my “cancer journey”.  (Yes the journey is still going…and I’m not sure how long it will be around) A milestone worth mentioning…  Today marks 1 year of being cancer-free…today 1 year ago was the last time I had to sit in the chemo-suite at Kaiser Fontana. Last time having a “chemo-buddy” bring me to get blood work, then to McDonalds for breakfast, Staters for popsicles, then back to Kaiser for the “fun”.  Last time getting my portacath poked at, last time eating my Sour Patch Kids to keep the nasty chemo taste out of my mouth and me from throwing up, last time sucking on my popsicles to avoid the mouth blisters since the thought of ice made me gag, last time I had to feel like THAT. Yes…after my last chemo I had 11 rounds of radiation but the chemotherapy was the BIG hump to get over during this battle. 

This morning, while I was at my parents dropping Owen off for the day, I stood in my parents sitting room and said “7am…this exact time last year we were heading to Kaiser…”  It seems like a life-time ago. The chemo-haze that I had back then almost helps block out all the horrible feelings, the horrible memories, the tears, fear, baldness and everything that came with it.  Cancer was such a huge part of my life…and I guess still is. Its been such an emotional day for me…and I’m not sure exactly why. Every time I get into the car and think I get tears in my eyes. They are tears of joy, but still tears all the same.  I’m so happy to not have to be dealing with chemo and the baggage that goes along with it again, getting to enjoy my life…and Owen’s even more! I think back to those 7 months that I was going through treatment, and I wasn’t able to enjoy life, my son, my husband, anything. But now I continue to try and enjoy every healthy second I have.  I try to not sweat the small things in life…and have even had co-workers mention the difference in me since going through what I did.  I read these blogs of people I don’t know in “real” life, going through treatment right now…gives me the shivers but I continue to read and follow.  I want them to know that there is another side of it all…it’s a happy, wonder side and I can’t wait for them all to feel alive again!  I have my “One Year Cancer Check-up” on Feb. 18th (ironically its Mom’s birthday, soooo I just HAVE to take the whole day off work to spend some much needed girl time together)…why do I feel nervous about it this check-up?? it’s the continuous cancer doom and gloom that, as a cancer survivor we just can’t shake…always have the fear of “IT” coming back.  I have seen my oncologist every 3 months for the past year and will continue to see him every 3 months until my 2 year “anniversary”….which we might seriously have to have another party for! heehee. 2 years cancer free will mean the Hodgkins reoccurrence rate significantly drops, and I get the clear to try for more babies…ohhhhhh I can’t wait! :)  

These are the flowers that my wonderful husband had sent to me at work today.  He just wanted me to know that he loves me…and looks forward to many many more years of being cancer free together!! He’s so cute…the lavender ribbon around the vase and everything. They are perfect!!!  Thank you babe!!!  And also…thank you everyone that was a part of my amazing support system during my journey…during treatments and even until this now!!! 

PS.  This evening we “celebrated” with great friends (the Gerke’s) at On The Border for dinner…was a nice evening until Addi slapped Taryn and then Owen bumped his face on the booth we were sitting in and cut his eye open a little bit. :(  But Thankfully he was still full of smiles for bath-time. my little trooper!

 

So…Good Night all….

New Tradition?? …I think so!

Today was such a great day…kinda weird how a bit of sunshine can make someone so happy! And I know, some of you are thinking I’m pathetic since living in Southern Cali we seem to always have sunshine BUT today has just been great!  Thank you Mr. Luther Jr. (or was is Dr. Luther?) for being awesome and now we have this day off every year….No work on a Monday is awesome, and an added bonus since the weather was gorgeous! Got me thinking…we went to the beach on MLK day 2 years ago….this was then…

27 weeks prego with Owen, who was known as “it” at that point!!  Yes…Sexy I know! haha

So, us and the Gerke girls headed down to Newport Beach this morning. Daddy had to wait at home since he had a water polo game.  Found a parking spot w/o even having to search. Walked toward the water and I realized we were in the same exact spot that we were in 2 years prior. It was pretty cool.

So this might have to be our new MLK tradition….go to the beach and have a great time in the sun…yes in JANUARY!! I love So Cal!

2010 Recap

We all know that this year has been crazy…highs, lows, and MANY in between moments. So instead of talking about it and how grateful I am and blah blah blah…I’m going to choose my ONE favorite picture of each month (and some months I have HUNDREDS of pictures). I told my friend Erika that I was going to do that and she asked “why YOUR favorite picture?”  Good question my friend…that’s b/c I’m the author of this darn “Family” blog! Ü

	JANUARY My mom and I brought Owen out to meet his Uncle Paul for the first time…we had a picnic and just enjoyed our “moments” with him!
	FEBRUARY Feb. 3rd Sleeping through my last chemo treatment. I was so happy to be finished with it, just you just couldn’t tell by my tired beaten body! I didn’t know then that I’d have to go through radiation as well a few weeks later.
	MARCH Owen was spoiled rotten…especially during sleeping times. He had to practically be wrestled to go down. One afternoon I caught Daddy and Owen napping together…was pretty funny!
	APRIL This was our first trip back to Laughlin since a) I was diagnosed while there Aug. 12th 2009 b)since I was done w/ treatment c) Owen was mobile. We went w/ the Manley’s, Harp’s, Rowe’s and Cilderman’s. Was a GREAT trip! (I think I look like a pro wake-boarder…w/ my sun-protective clothing)
	MAY This picture just makes me smile! We borrowed the Brown’s double jogging stroller (never used it really) but Addison & Owen are best buds…and I just love it. They had a blast in it while we walked to the mailbox and back!
	JUNE This year our wedding anniversary (June 9th) was soooo low key. Yosh got us Burger Basket (my fav) and we just hung out at home w/ Owen. Can you believe 4 years married (now 4.5 but who’s counting) haha
	JULY This picture is soooo awesome in so many ways.  Mother was so excited to get to bring Owen into her “home house” in Foxford, Co. Mayo, Ireland. The house she was raised in…to meet his Great Grandmother for the first time. She looks excited, he looks excited. Just an amazing moment!
	AUGUST I actually caught Yosh surfing. He only caught 2 waves that day (b/c it was pretty flat, not b/c of his skill level! Ü) but I caught him in action!! A nice day at the beach in San Clemente w/ the Gerke Girls!!
	SEPTEMBER I was so honored that our football coach wanted to dedicate this years football season to me and my courage while beating Hodgkin's Lymphoma! The first home game I was introduced and brought out by the team captains to flip the coin! Teachers and Athletes all welcomed me as I walked through a tunnel…it was very emotional!
	OCTOBER The calm before the storm. 10-10-10…I participated in my first (hopefully of many) mini triathlons. It was in La Quinta. 500 yard swim, 14 mile bike, 5k run. I finished in 1h 49 mins and was VERY  proud of myself. Melissa Sullinger, Shannon Nielsen & Tina Rivera did it with me and were AWESOME supporters!
	NOVEMBER One night when my parents were babysitting Owen, my Mother sent me this photo-text. Owen is eating popcorn out of my Dad’s green bowl. Many wouldn’t think anything of it EXCEPT I was NEVER ever allowed to even touch that bowl, never mind the popcorn in it! Owen has “Ganga” wrapped…and I LOVE it!
	DECEMBER Not really sure why this is a favorite…but we were at the Mission Inn Festival of Lights and Owen was soooo excited about the reindeers! I think he just looks adorable…

Of course this isn’t our WHOLE year but a few good highlights (and my favorites) and I might not have blogged about already.  Thank God 2010 is over and pray for good health & happiness for 2011!

 

ps. Thank you Holly Crane for your total AWESOMENESS on my new blog “look”!