Losing a son.

I know what losing a brother feels like…I know what it feels like to be “alone” as an only child. I know the feeling of wanting to have a bigger family.  But I don’t know what it feels like to lose your son. I have only known my son for about 7 years and I can’t even fathom the idea of losing him.  Today it brought tears to my eyes to see my mom have to visit her only son at the cemetery.

Its a sight I have seen many times in the past 16 years.  My mother crouching down to put her floral cone of freshly trimmed white roses on HER baby’s grave.  On our awkward ride to Riverside, we want to talk, we want to pretend that its just any other day but there is “that feeling” thats hanging in the air.  On todays drive we listened to a CD I made years ago of some of my favorite songs…some are sad, some are happy.   When we pull into Riverside National, feelings come back. Feelings of March 31st, 2000 when Paul was laid to rest here. On our visit today I was thinking as a mother…not as a sister.  Being a mom losing a child. Now I have 3 babies that are my world and I have only been a mom for 7 years but the love that a woman has in that timeframe is unmeasurable. And my own poor Mother… only had her son for 20 years…not enough time. Not enough time at all!

It brings tears to my eyes to think of only having Owen for another 14 years…losing a son at 20 years old…no words can express the devastation. I said to my mom today…if I lost Owen now, only after 7 years I would die…and her response was “yes…a piece of you dies. A piece of you dies and is with your son”. 

When my brother Paul was killed I was young.  I was 3 weeks shy of my 18th birthday…he was 3.5 weeks shy of his 21st.  He wasn’t living with us at the time because of him trying to figure some things out in his life.  The way the whole day went down is terrible.

I only remember bits and pieces of that time in my life. I have been told that your brain blocks out pain…and I believe it. One thing I do remember is me thinking and saying “I can’t wait for this to be 16-20 years from now…the pain will be gone by then!”  well…I can’t believe it when I say…it IS 16 years and unfortunately the pain did NOT go away.

Now the pain is so different. Its pain for what I think we could have had. Trying to explain to Owen about his Uncle Paul is hard. He asks a lot of questions…really tough questions that I’m not sure how to answer just yet.  One day he’ll get the real story…one day when I know he’s mature enough to understand.

But 16 years later…and I still take the day off work. I’d be useless to my students and colleagues so its best I stay home. Its the one day I allow myself to kinda throw a pity party for myself. I cry when I want and don’t think twice about it.  And its better when I can spend it with my mom. This year we went to the cemetery  then to lunch.  It was nice.  Sad but nice. 

Luckily I have these amazingly adorable little distractions…

They don’t even KNOW what they do for me…I thank God everyday for putting them in my life!!

So March 24th is our forever sad day. I hate it. I hate this time of year. March 24th is so close to April 19th (which is Paul’s birthday) so its all a time that is a bit depressing. I feel sad for my parents. I feel sad for my kids who don’t get to meet their uncle. Life is a bitch sometimes…and thats all!